Although we have seen romantic love in Hollywood movies, it is important to look at how to create love. Yes, we can create the relationship that we desire and need.
Sometimes there is magic chemistry and sometimes some obstacles, but the couple eventually finds their way together.
This is where most films end.
We believe they will live happily ever after.
When I look at online dating profiles, the sign that a great date has is “chemistry”, according to most people.
We were raised with the belief that an initial spark is a sign of connection, and that we are “meant” to be.
As the universe’s magic sign to indicate that it is “right”
I’m sorry to burst your bubble but it’s a chemical reaction that occurs when you encounter someone who is physically attractive and familiar. They fulfill a core need that you are experiencing at the moment.
These are three things to keep in mind
- The honeymoon stage is not the best place to see clearly.. This stage can last anywhere from a few days to two years. The honeymoon stage is characterized by the release of a powerful chemical cocktail of dopamine, which blinds you to its true purpose. They will not see their negative side and will only see the positives. You won’t notice any red flags. It is a fantasy, and it will end. This is the same brain part that is involved in addictions.Obsessive compulsive disorder is characterized by increased dopamine and decreased serotone.They are so important that you cannot stop thinking about them.They are seen through a distortion lens.
- Hedonic adaptation is the process by which brain chemicals stabilize and the honeymoon phase will end.The honeymoon stage, which is characterized by excitement and anxiety, will be replaced with safety and attachment. It will be taken over by the two bonding chemicals Oxytocin and vasopressin.
- “Chemistry,” a terrible predictor of long-term love or compatibility, is a bad one.You know that the initial sensation of “chemistry” is temporary and does not last. All issues will be ignored. It will not show you compatibility in attachment styles or love languages, emotional intelligence, goals, or other important factors for long-term love.
We often feel that we are losing our “love” for our partner as the honeymoon phase ends. Couples often end their honeymoon phase and begin the new cycle with a new partner. The result will be the exact same.
You will soon realize that the “chemistry” you experienced during your initial dating and honeymoon stages won’t last. However, this does not mean you have lost your love.
Here’s where you can start creating love
This is where you begin your journey to creating love. This is the time to develop a deeper and more lasting relationship.
The time has come for Mother Nature to help you. Now you have to put in the effort to grow and flourish the relationship, as well as continue to love.
How do you make this lasting and mature love?
Safety, vulnerability, and responsiveness are the three elements of lasting love.
Let’s get to know them better.
You can form a secure attachment with your partner, regardless of what attachment style you have.
These are the four types of attachments:
Secure attachment
This attachment style is the most stable and functional. Many of their caregivers were able to provide care and be present for their emotional and physical needs. They are comfortable being alone and intimate and can feel secure in relationships.
Anxious attachment
Many times they had inconsistent caregivers who would not always meet their needs and sometimes neglect them.
They learned to trust the people they were closest to.
They worry about being alone and whether their partner will be there when they need it.
This can lead to abandonment anxiety. The partner may view them as controlling, needy or clingy.
They want to feel secure and to know that you will respond to their needs.
They love closeness, but they can also use criticism, blame and attack you if they feel that you aren’t responsive or might leave.
Avoid attachment
They were abused by caregivers or ignored their needs. They learned to ignore their needs and to take care of themselves.
They aren’t trustworthy and avoid intimacy or getting too close to other people.
They are very proud of their independence.
If they don’t know each others attachment style, avoidant and anxious can trigger one another.
Ambivalent attachment
It can also be a mixture of anxious and avoidant. They often want to be close, but push you away when they do.
It can be difficult to build intimate and close relationships with them.
Two nervous systems are interconnected in a couple. They affect each other neurologically more than people who are not part of the couple.
To create safety, your nervous system and that of your partner must be controlled.
There are four parts to maturing love.
Safety can be divided into regulation and responsiveness.
Intimacy requires self-reflection, vulnerability, and responsiveness.
Regulation
We must regulate our nervous system and that of our partner in order to feel secure and provide safety for them.
Our partner triggers us, activating the flight, flight or freeze response. Logic goes out of the window. It is likely to cause conflict, tension, and distance.
Before any meaningful connection can occur, both of you must feel secure.
All of us have triggers that are based on past experiences. These triggers can make our reactions to our partner extreme and intense.
Once we have identified our triggers (which we will do below in self-reflection), then we can communicate these to our partner.
This will allow them to avoid our triggers.
They will be able to understand why we react so strongly if they touch one.
This is part of our love map that helps them navigate our emotional and nervous systems.
We will make many wrong turns without a map and eventually get lost.
Safety is the foundation for a relationship just as mother earth is for your house.
Your home will soon fall apart if you build it on a cliff that is susceptible to earthquakes or mudslides.
How can you manage your nervous system and that of your partner?
These are great questions. I just got to those.
There are two ways to do it:
Self-regulation
Movement
When we feel triggered, there are many things that can be done to calm our nervous system.
The adrenalin that is pumped into our blood when we enter fight, flight or freeze response is intended to be used for fighting or flight.
Get physical to let it go and calm your mind.
You could do this by boxing, running, or dancing around the living area. Any activity that moves your body can help you relax.
Breathe:
Our breathing is linked to our parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems.
We can control our breathing so you can focus on your breathing after every movement.
Slowly inhale until you reach the count of 4.
For one second, hold the position and then slowly exhale until you reach four. You will find that you calm down even more by doing this.
Co-regulation
A relationship can be a great way to help one another feel secure and calm.
There are many ways to do this. These are just a few of the ideas.
Eye contact is one of the best ways to connect. It is also great at building trust and intimacy.
Verbal reassurance can be another way to bring your partner back to safety and calm.
This technique is even more effective when your partner is attached to you.
Reassure them you are sensitive to their needs and respect their boundaries.
Touch and My Favorit Massage is a great way for them to relax their mind and body. They are all interconnected.
If there is an external trigger, co-regulation will work best. Wait until your trigger is removed.
Self-reflection
If you lack self-reflection, none of these tools will work.
Self-reflection is necessary to understand your triggers and how your past influences your present behaviour.
You will begin to notice patterns if you start writing down the things that make you upset or frustrated.
Write down any past events to help you feel strongly about it.
Do the same for your needs.
You can also write down any stories you have about what happens. Your interpretation of the event is only that, a story. The story is based upon your past so sometimes our understanding of what is happening is different from our partner’s.
Vulnerability
All of us need to feel accepted and seen.
It is what we feel as love from our caregivers when we are accepted and seen for who we really are.
We all have imperfect childhoods. Many of us had parts of our childhoods that were unacceptable or shameful, so we had no choice but to hide them.
It could be sensitive emotions, needs or desires.
It is healing and a core part of intimacy to be able to express our vulnerability and have it accepted by our partner.
Receptiveness
It is crucial to be responsive to our partner for many reasons.
It is the foundation of safety and secure attachment.
Being responsive means that we listen to our partners and do our best to meet their needs.
This means being there for them when they are most in need and listening to them when things go wrong.
This means that you can give them support and reassurance when they aren’t feeling safe.
It is about accepting vulnerability and embracing vulnerability.
For safety and intimacy, it is essential to be responsive.
A closing note about creating love
If both of you are open to using the tools, these will help you build a strong and loving relationship.
Also, we need to define what love is. It is not the obsessive fluctuation that we feel at the beginning of a new relationship.
A relationship can offer you the gift of trust, support, and care. It can also give you the chance to grow in ways that aren’t possible by yourself.
Only when we are close to someone and are able to rely on them, can our wounds be triggered and healed.
They are our reflections and help us to learn about ourselves.
It’s never too late for you to find love in your partner.
